2024-05-20 | 07:52:28 AM
Hi. I woke up with another gout flare-up today. It’s unpleasant and really unideal because I have my classes this week, especially on Wednesday, but I say it is what it is, again. I’ve been suffering from acute gout flare-ups since the past three months, and each of those attacks I’d been getting were excruciating. This one today, however, is one of those attacks that feel mild and manageable. I already took colchicine yesterday to manage the onset, as I’d been feeling it starting to get worse, and today I’ll be doing the same thing. Hopefully it resolves by the time Wednesday comes, because I would have a class then. It would be at nighttime too, so it’s really going to be really bad when I walk at night with my crutches. Hopefully I get well by then.
2024-05-20 | 08:12:56 PM
Heeeya. Been a good while. As I said above, I can’t walk again. I could, but with the help of the good old crutches. Navigating this time of my life when I’m afflicted by all these health complications is extremely challenging. On the one hand I blame myself for doing all the stupid shit — eating too much, moving too little, 1 having deleterious habits such as smoking, not sleeping well, eating u healthy food, among others. On the other, I try to be more compassionate with myself because I’d been in a constant state of overwhelm the past year that I’ve been working.
It’s crazy to think that I’m one of those people who once took the idea of “improving myself” to heart, yet here I am struggling to maintain even just a month without a gout flare-up.
It’s something about my metabolism. Not just that, but my lifestyle also. Back then, every time I went to the gym and become obsessed with the process of working out and maintaining a healthy diet, I go hard. And when I say hard, I mean hard. I would lose 15 kg in 3 months (which has happened twice in my life already), would religiously track my calorie intake, consume hours upon hours of content regarding health and fitness, optimizing this, sleeping better that, avoiding x, ditching y, and overall just becoming a better version of myself.
And yet here I am, a year and a few months after entering the corporate world, and my health is wrecked.
Point being I miss myself. I miss being legitimately concerned about myself, about my health, my lifestyle, my diet, my sleeping patterns, my macros, my salt intake. It’s almost like the responsibilities I’m getting in adulthood render me unable to stay grounded, to know and understand my priorities well (and take them to heart) — like I’m already numb of it all.
It’s like every day I wake up I just “go through the motions,” not really caring much about anything other than my responsibilities both within and outside university.
If I were to be honest, I would take a break, if I could. My health is failing for what — the measly salary of an intern (and only for that to be drained by my monthly expenses)? It’s a tiring thing to be in. For all the glamour of having the privilege to work while in university, it’s extremely fucking tiring if one doesn’t know what they’re doing (i.e. - me!).
I’m not an expert in life nor am I someone to be asked about how to do this and that and whatever problem there is in adulthood — I’m equally confused as my peers (just as much as most of my superiors whom I’d talked to, unfortunately). But I’m trying my best with what I have, with what I know, and that’s all I can say.
Perhaps I’m not trying hard enough, but who am I to say? I’m just a clueless 22-year-old who tries to survive adulthood.
2024-05-20 | 10:28:15 PM
I’m tired. I really have to sleep. I tried learning coding today using my phone, which was alright — not the best but it’s okay. It was really hard and time-consuming putting contexts, which I probably could automate soon using QuickAdd. It was a pain the ass switching between my dev log and the JS context note, putting contexts here and there. Tonight’s learning session may not have been ideal, but the important thing is that I showed up.
Footnotes
Footnotes
-
I quit going to the gym due to a lot of factors — most of which is my time, part of it was my financials. It’s hard to pay for a PHP 1,500 gym membership fee every month when that amount is virtually 50% of my monthly electricity, water, and maintenance bill. ↩