Brian Stout, Your Boundaries Set You Free

Your Boundaries Set You Free

Metadata

• Author: Brian Stout
• Full Title: Your Boundaries Set You Free
• Category:articles
• Published Date: 2021-05-13
• Summary: Boundaries are an act of love for both yourself and others, as they create space for authentic connections and choices. Being able to say no makes it possible for your yes to be authentic, and setting boundaries is an essential act of self-care and self-love. It is important to take responsibility only for your own actions and not to shoulder the emotional responsibility of others. Repairing relationships after a rupture requires emotional labor, and the responsibility for initiating this repair lies with the person who is most healed.
• URL: https://click.convertkit-mail2.com/qdur6488neu7h7r3qdetl/l2hehmh3nr0xl0ug/aHR0cHM6Ly9jaXRpemVuc3RvdXQuc3Vic3RhY2suY29tL3AveW91ci1ib3VuZGFyaWVzLXNldC15b3UtZnJlZQ==

Highlights

• I come from a family of lawyers and competed for years in speech and debate: I am a master at deploying logic and marshalling arguments to rationalize my behavior and thus avoid responsibility. (View Highlight)
• I have a tendency to take responsibility for things that I am not responsible for. In particular, I have a tendency to take responsibility for other people’s emotions: when others are distressed I feel it is my responsibility to help them feel better, or to take responsibility for being the cause of their distress. (View Highlight)
• Boundaries are an expression of love: for yourself and the other. (View Highlight)
• Saying ‘no’ creates space for an authentic ‘yes.’ (View Highlight)
• You are responsible for your actions, not other people’s reactions or feelings. (View Highlight)
• “It is one of the highest forms of love to set boundaries” (View Highlight)
• I tend to think of boundaries as something to keep something out; it feels to me like a form of rejection. It feels harsh. But this line from parenting coach Janet Lansbury invites me to reframe how I think about it: what if boundaries were not selfish, but loving? (View Highlight)
• For those new to the literature on boundaries, Mark Manson does a good primer here; Nicole LePera also has some really helpful material. (View Highlight)
  • Note: Helpful resources regarding boundaries.
• Here’s how Brené Brown defines boundaries:

  A boundary is a clear understanding of what is okay for you, and what is not okay. (View Highlight)

• Where resentment indicates a boundary wasn’t set, anger is a signal that an identified boundary has been transgressed. (View Highlight)
  • Note: An idea from Xavier Dagba.
• Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (View Highlight)
  • Note: An idea from Brené Brown.
• The key is to find a way to set a loving boundary: one that is an invitation to connection without self-sacrifice. I like the way Alexandra Solomon describes the aspiration behind setting boundaries:

  The goal is to remain grounded in myself and connected to you. (View Highlight)

• A weak boundary loses myself; I can’t hear my own voice. A rigid boundary disconnects me from you; I lose the ability to hold you in my circle of care and concern. Not just a boundary, then, but a loving boundary: autonomy and connection. This feels much better to me: it’s not about privileging the self, but it’s about giving my needs equal weight, considering them alongside the needs of others, and standing in integrity when in conflict. (View Highlight)
• (View Highlight)
• Prentis gave words to something I’d long yearned for — reminding me of the concept of an ecotone: boundaries as a site of connection and creation, rather than separation. (View Highlight)
• Let there be spaces in your togetherness… the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. (View Highlight)
• It’s hard enough to find the courage to name the boundary in the first place; harder still to enforce it lovingly (View Highlight)
• “Your ‘no’ makes the way for your ‘yes’ (View Highlight)
• fraught (View Highlight)
  • Note: From Oxford Dictionary: full of or filled with.
• Boundaries create the container within which your yes is authentic. Being able to say no makes yes a choice. (View Highlight)
  • Note: A quote by Adrienne Maree Brown from the book, Pleasure Activism.
• I remember a moment in high school, I was maybe 16, and I asked a friend if she wanted to go to the homecoming dance with me. She said no. I was surprised — we were already friends, it didn’t feel high stakes — and I asked why. She said she’d never said no to anyone before, and wanted to try it out, and she thought I could handle it. I wasn’t sure at the time what to do with that, but even in my adolescence I understood her point. She was expressing adrienne’s insight: if you never say ‘no,’ how do you know whether your ‘yes’ is freely offered, is really a choice? (View Highlight)
• acquiescence (View Highlight)
  • Note: From Oxford Dictionary: The reluctant acceptance of something without protest.
• the work isn’t only theirs to do: because my life experience has strengthened and validated my capacity to refuse, I too often assume others feel similarly liberated to enforce their boundaries. (View Highlight)
• Most of us simply don’t have the practice in saying no, or owning our yes, to effectively navigate interpersonal boundaries. (View Highlight)
• Often we won’t actually “know” in the moment: we need to take time to tune into what our bodies are telling us, and then to act from that groundedness. Kids are actually much better at this than we are: they have no trouble telling you if they want a hug or if they don’t (and it’s my ongoing practice not to show disappointment when they say no… because my disappointment risks overwhelming their boundary). It’s we adults who’ve lost connection with our bodies — or lost faith in our voices — who struggle to remain grounded and connected. (View Highlight)
• I’m responsible for my actions… not your feelings (View Highlight)
• Because we all have a tendency to apologize as a form of control and to avoid another’s anger, we need to be very conscious of whether the other person is projecting their own behavior onto us or whether we’ve genuinely done something hurtful. (View Highlight)
• there’s a fine line between compassion and rescuing, between support and saviorism… (View Highlight)
• When you take emotional responsibility for yourself but not for them, you are so much more present and so much kinder (View Highlight)
• An apology is about taking responsibility for your actions, and the impact your actions had on someone else. (View Highlight)
• This it where it gets super slippery: my actions do not CAUSE your feelings (two people could have very different reactions to the same behavior). But of course my actions have an impact on you. In other words: your feelings may be a reaction to my behavior, but they’re your feelings. (View Highlight)
  • Note: Ryan Holiday says the most frustrating line he’s ever heard from his wife was, “I can’t frustrate you.” Ryan was making himself frustrated, not his wife.
• The way someone else perceives what you do is a result of their own experiences (which you can’t control), their own preferences (which you can’t predict), and their own expectations (which you don’t set). If your choices don’t match their expectations that is their concern, not yours. (View Highlight)
  • Note: A quote from James Clear.
• The thing I’m coming to that feels helpful is about focusing on regret and behavior change: if I regret my actions and can identify a tangible shift for my future behavior… it’s time for an apology. This is also a domain of practice, to be sure: to take accountability, to repair. But if I feel I was standing in my own integrity, and I don’t regret my behavior… that’s a warning to me that perhaps an apology is the wrong framework. (View Highlight)
  • Note: I’m not sure how I feel about this.
• In a healthy relationship, saying “I’m sorry” when it’s not warranted only stunts your relationship growth and stops you from getting to the bottom of what’s really going on. (View Highlight)
  • Note: About this, yes, maybe? But it’s all contextual. Sometimes, deeper a compromise should be made – during the right times only, of course. Not too many, not too few.
• I behaved in a way that I regret and need to change my behavior (the learning is primarily individual, the work is mine to repair) (View Highlight)
  • Note: If the scenario is this, say sorry.
• I behaved in a way that I don’t feel a need to change, but that caused harm, and I need to repair the relationship (primarily relational, the work is ours to repair) (View Highlight)
  • Note: If the scenario is this, don’t say sorry.
• The first case is about accountability, itself a deep domain of practice for me and a subject I’ve discussed in previous posts. The latter case to me feels like something different, something that stands outside the framework of accountability. In this case I assume good intent, and assume that the other party experienced harm (at least in the form of emotional distress). The question is: who is responsible for that harm, and who is responsible for repair? In the situation I’m focusing on here, let’s imagine the harm experienced is entirely a function of one person’s emotional triggers, not the behavior of the other. That is, the harmed person is responsible for their own emotional distress. (View Highlight)
• I can hold compassion for someone in emotional distress, even while declining to accept responsibility for being the cause of that distress (View Highlight)
• I haven’t found anything in the literature that quite speaks to this subtlety, but I think perhaps it’s as simple as holding space for someone else’s emotions: a kindness we do for those we love… albeit more difficult when they believe you are the responsible party. (View Highlight)
  • Note: Important to note! There’s nothing scientific supporting his claim.
• An example to try to make this more concrete: say you were driving down the road, paying close attention and following all the rules, and a pet darted off the sidewalk under your tires before you could react. Of course you would be sorry… but not in the sense of an apology. You couldn’t have done anything differently, and it’s not your fault it happened. You would feel sorry for the harm… not the behavior. Which is to say, you’re not sorry at all, in the proper meaning of the term… you’re something else. Sympathetic? Compassionate? (View Highlight)
  • Note: But isn’t that what feeling sorry means? You’re not guilty but you’re sorry nonetheless. Weird choice of words, I must say.
• Enabling can often be disguised as helping, but repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of their own behaviors perpetuates unhealthy behavior patterns… When you stop rescuing, you help them access their own inner strengths, helping them move toward realizing their own potential. (View Highlight)
  • Note: A quote from Ara Wiseman.
• I’ve found it helpful to ask myself: what am I afraid is going to happen if I don’t do this? What is the consequence? It’s helpful to notice whose distress I’m actually solving for: their distress, or my discomfort at feeling their distress. (View Highlight)
• What if we simply asked for what we wanted? (View Highlight)
• as someone on the other side often wishing people would set and hold boundaries with me… it’s incredibly liberating when people do. It frees me to believe that their ‘yes,’ when offered, is truly authentic rather than grudging acquiescence. (View Highlight)
  • Note: This reminds me of how I feel when people say yes when I feel like they shouldn’t be saying yes. Emphasis on feel because often it’s just a gut feeling.